Every so often we are graced with a movie that you just know is going to be special. I’m not talking special in the sense that it’ll come with critical acclaim, awards, and/or cult film status, no, who wants to celebrate those things? Boring, am I right? No, every so often a movie comes along where you watch the trailer and you see something so ridiculous, so over the top, so silly that you’re almost surprised that Nicholas Cage isn’t involved yet you’re compelled to view this film come hell or high water. Think of a movie like Cats or anything starring Pauly Shore, the type of movie you know is going to be awful but you’re powerless to look away from it. Almost like a magnet, these types of movies pull you in to the point where you’re on Twitter hashtagging because you want the butthole version of Cats. Yes, this is a real movement.
This is where we open the door and allow Clifford the Big Red Dog to enter the room to join the conversation. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of viewing this trailer, please take the next two minutes of your life and sacrifice them to the video below.
Now, a lot of things have been said about Clifford the Big Red Dog since the trailer dropped, and more importantly, a number of memes have been created concerning the gigantic oddly colored dog from my childhood, memes are the langue of 2021 after all. Just ask Anakin Skywalker, Padme, and most recently, Dom Toretto who is everywhere talking about the importance of family.
No, I’d rather focus on some key questions I had after the multiple viewings of this trailer.
Where does one find an NYC apartment big enough to house a dog that grows to the size of a house? Normally you can’t turn around without bumping into a wall in these places What does that rent cost? Was the person who built said apartment thinking that one day a family could move in with a dog that would drastically change shape because a child cried on it, so they made the ceilings really high?!
Real-life question, what does the food bill cost for a dog that size? How can one maintain that food bill, boarding school, and rent for what is very obviously a fictitious NYC apartment? Once you go broke, do you just let Clifford eat the dogs he accidently swallows? Do you turn him to people? Do you ride the dog down the streets of New York challenging any and all to battle?
What happens when Clifford sees a horse? Would he lick it? What if that horse had a cop on it? Would that be assaulting a police officer? How do you prevent a dog that big from licking random police horses? A spray bottle?
Okay, so if Clifford grew in size because that little girl loved him so much, then wouldn’t one believe that if she loved him less he would shrink? Not to sound mean buuuuut it’s only natural for the amounts of love to dial back after Clifford eats his fourth coach and flooded the kitchen because he couldn’t get outside quick enough. If the child keeps her love volumes in check, would that regulate the size of the dog? Would it solve everyone’s problems? Is the real villain of this movie, love?!
Did they get Clifford in the same store where Billy Peltzer got Gizmo? Why was John Cleese there?
The man in the bubble that Clifford threw into a tree…he’s paralyzed now, right?!
Using a leash for a dog this size is comical. If Clifford took off chasing a pigeon or car, would he tear that little girl’s arm off or will she be dragged behind him until he stops running?
What’s the CGI budget for this movie? Did Clifford look more believable as a puppy than as a gigantic dog? Did they run out of money when it came time for the sneezing scene? Felt like there were not enough dog boogers for a dog that size.
How many dogs has Clifford accidentally eaten? How many on purpose?
Clifford the Big Red Dog comes out September 17th answering these questions and the many, many more we’ll have by that time. What a time to be alive.