Apocalypse Problems: Music


Time to re-visit the apocalypse everyone! Yay, the end of the world! Last time we chatted (well I think it’s more like I talked at you guys and you heard with your eye holes) we talked about how the e-reader could have a short shelf life when the world ends (see what I did there with the shelf life joke? You know, cause it’s a book. Nailed it.) In tonight’s Apocalypse Problems we’re going to talk about music. Or considering it’s the apocalypse the surprising lack there of.

I’m not going to get into the ipod battery dying issue because it feels like we’d just be re-treading the whole e-reader thing. Although I will say this, at least when the e-reader goes dead you can find books. Do they even make CD’s anymore? How has no one in Apple thought of this potential problem? Actually I want to be on record right now saying that as the apocalypse approaches (again apocalypse of your choice) you will see Apple release the Apocalypse ipod which will have forever battery of all the Muse you want to listen to. For those curious to why I selected Muse, I dare you to listen to some of their stuff and not think about it playing as the world ends. Yeah. Good stuff.

Let’s focus more on our ability to listen to music during the apocalypse, we can make playlists later. I’ve been thinking about this for longer than I’d like to admit, and I honestly don’t see how it’s possible to enjoy music in the apocalypse. Well at least without getting yourself dead. Here’s a scenario. The zombie apocalypse has been going on for months. You’ve been scratching and stabbing your way to survival for what seems like forever. Sadly due to an incident at a diner you were holed up in the rest of your group is dead. Truth of the matter it was Zack’s fault. Well, he shouldn’t have gone out there to smoke that cigarette should he?! If he’d had time to close the door before the zombies ripped him apart maybe we wouldn’t be having this talk. Maybe we’d be walking from town to town in a group opposed as the guy from Kung Fu. Sorry the wounds are still pretty fresh. Any way it’s day time you have your back pack filled with supplies, a trusty weapon in your hand, and you’re walking towards your next destination. As you’re doing this you come to the decision that you’re bored and the sound of your food steps is driving you mad. You reach into your coat pocket with your fingerless gloves and pull out your ipod and ear buds. Next thing you know you’re popping those babies in your lobes and rocking out to some Tribe Called Quest. Just as you’re trying to figure what the scenario is something takes a chunk off of your shoulder and you fall. Scrambling on the road trying to figure out what happened you see there are tons of zombies coming your way and now you’re dinner.

Situation number two. You’ve been on the road for ever. Some how you and your group got separated and chances are it’s Zack’s fault. After days of wandering on your own you find this beat up shack in the middle of the woods. It’s isolated from the rest of civilization so you feel a bit more safe here than you did in the towns. All that walking is catching up to you so naturally you decide to unwind, taking off your coat and boats. There is enough to eat in your bag for a couple of days so you can totally get some rest in your cabin in the woods. Whilst in the middle of unwinding you take out your ipod and turn it on. Despite the fact that you’re tired you still have enough energy to dance about to Shake It Off, and that’s when you hear it. No, not the adorable charms of Taylor Swift. The sounds of many branches breaking and the moans. There’s no time for you to make a dash for it they’ve got your surrounded. Chow time.

After reading both of theses examples how could we even possibly believe listening to music in the apocalypse to be safe? Example one the ear buds drown out any other noise and our friend doesn’t here the zombies sneaking up on him. In example number two the very catchy sounds of Shake It Off draws the zombies to the cabin thus ending his apocalypse. Now really think about it folks. There’s no safe way to listen to the music when the world ends. How awful is that? Why don’t movies ever cover this subject? Because it’s freakin’ awful that’s why.

Well, what if you listened to music while you were sleeping? Nope cause then you wouldn’t hear approaching enemies or animals. Dead. How about I’m able to drive a car and I start cranking my favorite tunes? Great idea! You can be like the pied piper of the apocalypse and draw doom your way while driving faster than 30 mph. Dead. How about if I just put one ear bud in and the other dangles? I’m not really sure on this one but since it kind of disputes me argument I’m still going to say it gets you dead.

The biggest tragedy of the apocalypse isn’t the loss of civilization, of loved ones, or the massive population of creatures that want to eat your face off, it’s the loss of music. I don’t know about you Geeklings but music makes the world go round, and you take it out of the equation then what’s really the point? During the course of the day I’ve tried to think of a way where music could survive and I did come up with one scenario. After months traveling you find a small society that’s walled in and heavily armed. Weeks of screening go by before they finally decide to accept you. Happy day! In order to celebrate your citizenship they throw a huge party in your honor. During this ceremony there’s a jug band who sadly never had any musical talent, but doesn’t allow that to stop them from trying to play classic songs for the enjoyment of the people. Since your walls are heavily guarded you don’t have to worry too much about the sound drawing attacks. Which is probably for the best because if this band does one more crappy Zepplin cover, you’re going to hop over the walls any way and take your chances with the zombies!

Side Question: If the apocalypse was going to start tomorrow what would you choose to be the last song your listened to before you ditched music for the end of the world?

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