I Choose to Be A Dancer

Good news Geeklings! I’m finally starting to feel like a human being again. It has been a long four and a half days though. I really wanted to hang out with you guys yesterday and believe it or not I tried. I really did. I wrote three or four different opening paragraphs trying to work my way into the days discussion and I discovered something. I did not contain the mental fortitude to write. Every word was the equivalent of me slamming my head into a wall, and who wants to do that? Actually for the record I’ve never done that… I think. I’ve punched a wall when I was young and stupid (and once during the Giants/Packers game to get into the Super Bowl when Tynes missed that second field goal…) but never gone out of my way to headbutt one. I did once break a broom stick with my head though which got a lot of laughs (of course I was drinking) and left a pretty good cut/bruise on my forehead. I regret nothing. Since then though I try to use my head for thinking and as a hat rest.

This morning I woke up in that post sickness underwater fog like thing that happens to your body when it’s trying to get better but isn’t quite there yet (that sentence was a mouth full). You know the feeling. I didn’t even attempt to walk today. I just layed in bed gearing up for the work day and listening to the new alarm tones I set. I went out of my way to pick things I don’t hear as people’s ring tones because that is the worst. It’s happened to all of us. You’re out at the store or at work and someone’s phone starts ringing and it’s the same exact tone you’ve set for your alarm clock. It’s like Vietnam flashbacks to waking up. My whole body goes into cringe and cower mode, so, I was proactive to prevent that.

It’s funny because the other day I was in the shower taking a soak, which is what I call the showers I take when I’m sick. They aren’t so much showers but me just trying to submerge myself under water in the hopes that I would feel better. Sometimes they work and other times I’m just wet and sick. But it’s during these moments that I feel that I do some of my clearest thinking or maybe some of my most random. The shower is my thinking palace in a lot of ways. During this particular soak I wasn’t thinking about anything of real significance. There were the “I want to die, I want to die, I want to die” mutterings of the sick as well as the “what am I going to watch when I get out of here” thoughts which opened the door to thinking geeky. Something I do both in and out of the shower. I started to wonder with Dr. Strange coming out in a couple of weeks that it should only be a matter of time before the new Guardians of the Galaxy trailer is released. I like to believe that I have a pretty good grasp on when Marvel releases things (but not really… I’m close though) and the hope of a new Guaridans trailer was enough to make stop muttering “I want to die, I want to die, I want to die” and I saw that as a win.

Then, I totally forgot about the prospect. Poof. It was gone. Life moved on. I was sick and and everything was fuzzy. My main focus became survival or at least resting. Really amping up the drama here aren’t I?

Which leads us to today. During one of my many, many water breaks (we just got a new water cooler at work and the water is sooooooo cold and pours at a non glacial pace) I took out my phone to check out Instagram, and I saw that James Gunn (the writer and director of Guardians of the Galaxy for those of you not in the know) had uploaded this

gotf-vol-2

Instantly I felt my heart bubbling over with pure joy. I love this poster. I love how it looks like a discarded album cover. I love the snarkiness of “Obviously”. I love how I didn’t notice Rocket or Groot the first time I looked at it. Rocket kind of blends in with the black and white, and Groot is just so tiny. For those of you who still can’t find Groot he’s the one hugging Star Lord’s boot… I’ll give you a minute to recover from the adorableness overload. And just like that I remembered the prospect of a Guardians trailer and my mind told me that we must be close. If they’re releasing teaser posters then a trailer must be around the corner.

Just by chance I opened Faceyspace (I was really taking my time pouring this water apparently… full disclosure I also had to go to the Whiz Palace. What?! I clearly drink a lot of water!) and right as I did my buddy Ken texted me “Tagged you on FB. Very important”. It was at that moment I knew. There had to be a new trailer waiting. And that’s the exact moment when my heart exploded.

I wasn’t able to fully appreciate the trailer until lunch, which was pretty much a half hour later, but it was enough to make me giggle and jitter around like a four year old. There is just something about this franchise that just reaches into my core and makes me so utterly and ridiculously… happy. I remember the first time I watched what will now be Vol. 1 and the utter joy that filled me upon leaving the theater. It was the first time I could remember choking up during a Marvel movie (actually this happend twice during Guardians and still continues to happen with most viewings). There is just something here that I totally get and speaks to me on a level that makes me feel understood. Not sure if that makes sense but Guardians, to me anyway, is like a great big hug that makes me feel less alone.

When I first saw it I was just starting to turn a corner with the passing of my father, and in some ways Guardians made that a little easier to deal with. Maybe not easier but it provided me an outlet that allowed me to relate that pain to fiction. Sometimes that’s all we need. On top of that it reminded me of being a kid and just the power of imagination and having fun while watching a story. Shortly after Guardians my creative juices started flowing and I was able to finish writing what turned out to be my first self published short story. Guardians opened a lot of doors for me that had been closed and left me feeling good about everything. Like there was hope that things could get better.

Don’t get me wrong, I know Guardians isn’t responsible for everything. I worked very hard to get myself right and had a tremendous support system of friends and family who helped me as I rebuilt and re-discovered myself. But I do remember watching Guardians for the first time and just feeling so happy that it existed. A happiness that carried over into different areas of life. Sometimes I think all it takes is that little nudge of hope or happiness to help you fully turn a corner. Allowing yourself to feel good when sometimes you’re not sure if you should. That’s what Guardians did for me. It reminded me that it was okay to feel good. Hey, I’m a work in progress.

When I saw the teaser today I find myself in a different mind set in life. I’m doing pretty good and for the most part am super happy all of the time (not obnoxiously so, just like a regular happy guy who doesn’t throw glitter at random people to celebrate said happiness). Sure there are things I would like to be different but I choose to be optimistic and change the things I can change, and try and roll with the things that I can’t. Of course there are ups and downs but that’s a part of life. But when I saw that teaser today my heart was filled with that happiness again. A reminder that it’s okay to be happy. That giggling in your car while a talking raccoon and baby talking tree look into the camera is perfectly acceptable because happiness is what we make it. And that’s the beauty of Guardians to me. It’s not a comic book franchise, it’s not a Marvel property, it’s not a science fiction adventure, I mean yes, it’s all of those things, but for me… for me it’s happiness. And after being sick for the last four and a half days I was certainly ready for some happiness.

Oh! Before I forget. Here’s that trailer. Feel free to giggle away

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