We are two short days away from the biggest reality television episode in recent memory and I say this with zero knowledge to other episodes of reality tv. I know that the Bachelore is in full swing and those housewives of various locations are house wifing… and maybe something is out there with a Vanderbilt and a pump? But none of that actually matters. None. Because Netflix’s reality dating show about love being blind ends what is sure to be its first season on Thursday and I’m having a tough time thinking about anything else. In fact, if I was to break down the current content of my mind it would be Love Is Blind thoughts, anticipation of the last five episodes of Hunters and how badly Nazis suck, and hoping to stay awake to see Zion Williamson square up against Lebron James tonight. Also food.
I’m not entirely sure how this all happened but like a large number of you, I have become obsessed with Love Is Blind. It is currently the number one show on Netflix according to a Netflix post and that’s just crazy town banana pants. As an aside, I was quite happy seeing Locke & Key holding down the number three spot. Watch it, you’ll thank me later. Some of you already have (hiiiiii Nicole!). From the jump, the mission statement of I Am Geek has been to bring you relevant pop culture goodness and as much as it may hurt our souls, Love Is Blind is incredibly relevant.
With that being said, with two days before the season finale, or the weddings episode, now would be a great time to hit you with some of my thoughts on the last batch of episodes. Surprisingly, I had quite a few as I was jotting down my notes today. To the point where I had to do some deep reflection about the person, I was becoming. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about reality tv Kevin, but he’s here now so I’m just going to have to accept the fact that this is the world we live in. I’ll read some comic books later or say something Star Wars related in order to bring some sort of balance, but in the meantime let’s dish about Love Is Blind…
- Starting with Mark and the guitar he seemingly carries everywhere. Does homeboy actually play this thing or does he carry it around like some sort of hot boy accessory? It kind of reminds of Jim in The Office when he created the “Philly Jim” avatar for Second Life. When did Jim ever play a guitar let alone look at one? Are we even sure there’s a guitar in the case Mark carries around? Could he possibly use this case as some deranged form of luggage? As Jessica constantly reminds us, he is only twenty-four.
- I just want to breakdown the part where Mark and Jessica have the date when they’re in separate rooms and talk through the wall. You know, to get back to basics when they were just two ten years apart people talking to themselves in a pod. Is anyone on this show an adult? Like, I get this is supposed to be sort of “touching” but it was just so lame. Sit on the couch and blindfold each other. Same thing you goons. Or text.
- Let’s talk about Giannina and her “best sex” comment to Damian because if the show ever gave us a relationship killer it was this. How does one recover from their fiance telling them that she’s not having the best sex of her life? You don’t. Gigi implants this ticking time bomb in the back of Damian’s head and there will be no way for my man to recover from that. He can smile and pay for all the helicopter rides in the world but at the end of the day, he’s going to know. And so is she. This relationship died in that episode… also fun to note, they were in separate rooms talking like pod people too. #eyeroll
- Speaking of sex, where’s the payoff on the Mark/Jessica thing. She went from building a pillow fort in bed so they wouldn’t touch to Mark casually saying “yep we did it”. We’re just not going to cover that?!
- Cameron… stop rapping. Forever. Please. That might have been the worst two minutes of my life and I once broke my pinky toe while doing the “Single Ladies” dance.
- Cameron has been listed as “Scientist” all season but the only one who looks like a scientist is his random friend that shows up during the strange art gallery/gambling bachelor party. What kind of scientist are you Cameron?!
- Hey Amber, work. Just one day. Just the one. That’s it. You might find you like making money, you deadbeat.
- Not one person in this cast owns a cat. None of them are deserving of love. None. Of. Them.
- And while we’re talking about pets, how is the fact that Jessica gave her dog wine (!!!) not a bigger deal?! Like for serious. Are there no animal groups that can remove this animal from this deranged forty something-year-old? I mean, thirty-year-old, wink wink nudge nudge.
- At one point my wife yelled at me for doubting the “love” of Cameron and Lauren. We’re talking the kind of yell when someone defends something they strongly believe in. It was both eye-opening and slightly alarming. She is all in on these two.
- These last four episodes were super cringe-worthy. I get part of the appeal of reality television is the drama but there were a number of times where I was like “ugh, make this stop”. Amber talking to Barnett’s parents. Any time Jessica would talk to anyone. I don’t know, as a normal human being who has never been on a reality television show, I would have a number of red flags raised by the basic fights these couples are having. You’ve known each other for like a month if you’re fighting like that this early you might want to reevaluate your life choices. Yet, I couldn’t stop watching. I’m a monster.
- Is there someone off-camera just feeding Jess booze at all times? There has not been one episode of this show where she hasn’t been sloppy drunk. You’re forty Jess, those hangovers are brutal. Don’t make the makeup team work overtime to make you look presentable.
- Kenny… you poor bastard. Talk about the ultimate friend zone. It was brutal listening to Kelly describe him to her friends. Ugh.
- Just to circle back for a second, what kind of scientist is Cameron? Did you see that house? It’s like it came straight out of Animal House. Is he getting that NASA money?
- Anyone else get the impression that Damian was attending a funeral and not his own wedding in the last episode? That sex time bomb must have gone off which explains why he might be having a seizure while we’re waiting for him to decide if he’s going to marry Gigi or not.
- The two realest people on Love Is Blind are Lauren’s dad and Mark’s friend who is constantly like “you’re an effing idiot”. Everyone else is insane.
- Fun Fact: Nick Lachey and his wife get paid for this. Actual money.
- Out of all the cast members my money is on Jess returning for season two… Love Is Blinder or A Woman, Wine, But No Dog.
- How has Amber not killed Jess? She clearly gives off the impression that she’s stabbed someone in an artery before, and if anyone on this show deserved a beat down it would be Jess. Some serious restraint here.
- Is Gigi actually eating butterflies?
- I found it surprising that the cast members have to pay for their own wedding. You would think once this affects your own dollars you would see the absurdity of the experiment. “Oh, I have to spend my own money. Nah, I don’t want to marry this clown. Thanks for the tv time though.” P.S. Amber, get a job! Shoot a tank at something, I don’t care.
- The way this show has been orchestrated, I’m surprised they’re not all getting married in the same place. Seems like a real missed opportunity here not to have Jess run out and object to Amber and Barnett’s wedding. Maybe then we’d get our beat down.
- Mark sleeps with one pillow. He’s clearly a serial killer.
- Seriously Kenny… I’m sorry bro. Don’t even show up. It’s the right move. I promise.
Prediction time. With the marriages all being aired on Thursday, it would be socially irresponsible for me not to predict who I think is getting married and who is losing their “soul mate” in front of family, friends, and millions of viewers. So here are the I Am Geek Love Is Blind Wedding Predictions or a sentence I never thought I’d write.
Gigi and Damian- Once Damian is able to stop having a seizure, I think he says no and the two don’t get married. Gigi is too powerful for him and he’s too sensitive. Plus, the whole sex comment. This thing is over let’s move on to a world where Gigi uses her Instagram powers for something and Damian becomes that guy who looked like he crapped his pants during a wedding on a reality show that time.
Lauren and Cameron- No buuuuuut I think they keep dating and continue to know each other… or what normal, rational people would do when making the biggest decision of their lives.
Amber and Barnett- Yes, I think they go through with it and I think we get a bombshell when we learn that Amber is pregnant. You heard it here first.
Kelly and Kenny- Nope.
Jessica and Mark- There isn’t a chance in hell. The plot twist would be Mark coming to his senses and seeing what a trainwreck Jessica is and quietly walking away to not play his guitar. What will actually happen is Jess will be fickle, say no, leave to get drunk with her dog, and we’ll see Mark’s soul actually leave his body. Kind of like what happened to Ralph Wiggum in The Simpsons.
There you have it Geeklings, all the Love Is Blind content you need to hold you over until the finale on Thursday. If you’ve got thoughts or theories be sure to leave them in the comments and if you’d like to talk more Love Is Blind you can find me on Twitter @iamgeek32. We can get through this together. If we could survive Cameron’s rapping, we can survive anything.