A Conversation With You… On Why I Didn’t Write A Column

Geeklings, there is no column today.

“But Kevin, yes there is. I’m clearly reading it right now. You’re using words and published it on the interwebs and everything. I think you might be confused.”

A fair point to make. Yes, I took the time to write these words that are now dancing across your eyeholes. Yes, I did publish them on the interwebs for you to read. But no, this isn’t a column.

“Yet, here it is published on the site where all the other columns are located. No, this is a column.”

It’s not though. I promise. This is me coming to the site and telling you there will be no column today.

Why wouldn’t you send that in a tweet? Instead, your vanity forced you to come to the site and write this (dramatic pause) column.”

Hey, I don’t think we need to start insulting…

“…dude, come on.”

Okay, I hear what you’re saying, and yes, I suppose you’re right. This is a column by your definition. But it’s not a column column, you know?

“No. In fact, I have no idea what a column column would be.”

Well, a column column is a column that is talking about a specific subject. Think of Tuesday’s column with all the trailers and news or maybe even an older column like the one I wrote about Captain America’s shield being the real villain of Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Those were column columns.

“I liked those columns.”

Me too, which is why I pimped them out again.

So, why are you writing this non-column column? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just not post anything?”

The short answer to that is, yes. Of course, it would’ve been easier to not write a thing today but I always suffer from the guilts when I do that. I’m like Brad Pitt when he first gets turned into a vampire and beats himself up about sucking the blood of animals. Which he should, that shit just isn’t right.

“He wasn’t going to hurt humans, what else was he supposed to do?!”

I don’t know… blood sausage?

“That joke isn’t as funny as you think it is.”

I’m aware. You’re distracting me. Yes, it would’ve been easier but I wanted to come here and have this conversation with you about why there is no column column tonight.

Just so I understand, you came here not to write a column and to brag about why you’re not writing said column.”


Again, you couldn’t tweet this?”



… well go on.”

So, the reason I’m not writing tonight is that… I need to finish my book. It’s incredible and every moment I spend away from it is slowly killing me inside.

What book?”

A Little Hatred by Joe Abercrombie. It’s a part of the First Law books our good friend Kyle told us about many moons ago.

I remember that!”

Yes, well, I finally started reading them and they’re incredible and I’ve got like fifty pages left in book one of this new trilogy-

So you’re blowing us off.”

… yeah. I hope you understand. I wanted to take a moment to come here and explain that there would be no column tonight because I’m too full of book excitement. If I finish A Little Hatred tonight, I can start The Trouble With Peace tomorrow. On top of that, the Mrs. will be out with friends in the evening which means it’s just Hudson the Cat, take out, my book, and me. That sounds magical.

It really does.”

So yeah, I’ve got to go. This book isn’t going to finish itself.

I get it. Thanks for popping in I guess. This was better than nothing. Although I would argue with the word count what it is that this might actually have become a column column.”

Sorry, can’t hear you opening up Gandalf the Paperwhite. I’ll check in soon.

I still think this could’ve been covered in a tweet..”

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