Would I Actually Visit Jurassic Park?

After five movies and two books these are the things I know about dinosaur parks…

  • A T-Rex could eat you while you’re in the bathroom
  • Some dinosaurs will sneak into your car, spit in your face causing blindness, make you try and appreciate their neckwear, and then eat you when you don’t compliment them.
  • If you’re in a tree you risk being sneezed on by a brontosaurs .
  • Dinosaurs when mixed with frog DNA can change sex on a whim and mate creating more death lizards.
  • Raptors are terrifying and apparently very clever.
  • If you’re trying to see the “exhibits” you must understand that dinosaurs might not show up for your amusement.
  • Apparently one goat is enough to feed a T-Rex. Just one.
  • Something will most certainly go wrong causing the island/park to shut down thus allowing the death lizards to escape and roam/eat freely.
  • The yogurt is apparently pretty good.
  • You can train raptors and go hunting with them because this is a good idea.
  • You can put raptor DNA in pretty much any giant lizard and expect to be killed by said giant lizard later on.
  • The dinosaurs that live in the water are massively terrifying, very hungry, and could come in handy when battling a large dinosaur that is looking to eat your face.
  • You can befriend a raptor and it will come and save you in your most dire moments.
  • When you abandon the park/island it doesn’t mean that the dinosaurs die and going back is almost always a mistake.
  • Volcanos are bad.
  • Riding around a dinosaur park in a hamster bubble is putting your life in your own hands. Like, why?
  • The tiny/cute dinosaurs are just as deadly.
  • Never go anywhere by yourself or all that will be left behind is your arm.
  • Jeeps are the best way to get around but also don’t have a roof making it easier to be attacked by flying dinosaurs or a T-Rex.
  • Raptors and the T-Rex will battle and you’ll sometimes root for the T-Rex and sometimes root for the raptor.
  • “Must. Drive. Faster.”
  • Dinosaurs take massive dumps.
  • You can run through the entire island in heels and not be eaten by a dinosaur.
  • If you stand in the middle of a circle of raptors and extend your arms in a cool way it will make for a great meme.
  • It’s easy to smuggle dino DNA out of the park.
  • There is usually a lost island with the first round of dinosaurs and you should never go there. 
  • If dinosaurs make it on the shores of the United States, we’re effed but we’ll never mention it again to prevent the park from being resurrected. 
  • “Hold on to your butts.” 
  • If you have a flare there’s a really good chance that when you throw it a T-Rex will chase after it.
  • If the doorknob isn’t round then there’s a good chance a raptor will open the door and eat you.
  • Your phone will ring at the worst time and it will offend the nearest dinosaur.

With all this knowledge, if given the opportunity to go to Jurassic Park… 

I’m still going to say yes. I mean, they’re dinosaurs guys. Dino. Saurs. 

How about you Geeklings? Sound off in the comments or throw me a line over on Twitter @iamgeek32.

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