What if I told you that in 1985 a drug smuggler while flying over Kentucky, air dropped a duffle bag of cocaine. It’s the ‘80s so yeah, that sort of makes sense. Stay with me now, that duffle bag full of seventy pounds of the finest Scarface nose powder landed in the woods and was discovered by a one hundred seventy-five pound… bear. And this bear did what most bears in this situation would do, he explored. He got nose deep into this duffle bag and discovered the magical powers of nose juice. And apparently, he liked it considering he consumed the whole bag. Sadly, this bear was later found dead in the woods because of an apparent drug overdose.
Sounds batshit bonkers, right?! The ‘80s man, what a time. Well, now this insane story is about to become a movie directed by Elizabeth Banks, who I always associate with Steve Carrell saying, “I hope you got a big trunk cause I’m gonna put my bike in it”. Happens every time without fail. That’s all besides the point though.
For serious, this is going to be a movie called, wait for it, Cocaine Bear and it’s being produced by Phil Lord and Chris Miller. Yeah, the guys from Community who also brought us Into the Spider-Verse.
Where do I sign up for this? Who’s going to play the bear? Will this be a horror movie? What’s scarier than a bear? How about a bear hopped up on cocaine! Since the true story has some serious gaps in its timeline from when our bear discovers cocaine where he ultimately loses his battle with addiction the world is literally this film’s oyster. Will the bear spend hours growling at a tree while manically rubbing its nose? Will it just stare at the screen licking its lips over and over and over and over. This reminds me of this guy who was standing in the doorway of the Men’s Bathroom at this bar I was at chewing his face-off, and trying to get me to join him to “bump some lines”. Do we get a bear version of that guy?! Is the bear going to introduce a skunk to cocaine? A deer? A moose?! Are there even moose, meese (?!), in Kentucky?
So many questions that I need answered. But like most good things we’ll have to wait. Cocaine Bear is set to start filming this summer so we’ve got time.
What should we do while we wait? There has to be something out there worthy of distracting us.
How about a movie about killer pants. No, hear me out. You thought pants had their moment in the spotlight with The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Nope. Who knew there were more pant stories to tell?! The people at Shudder did and so they gave us the gift of… Slaxx, a movie about a possessed pair of jeans that kills employees in a trendy clothing store.
What. More. Do. You. Need?!
A trailer? Yeah, I got you.
I honestly don’t know what part of this trailer I like best. The fact that the possessed pants groan without vocal cords because evil things got to groan or maybe the pants dancing because murder jeans know how to have fun or maaaaybe how fully ridiculous and must watch this all seems. Let’s just play it safe and say all the above. This movie is probably going to get me to sign up for Shudder. Yes, that’s how badly I want to watch a movie about a pair of murder jeans. What’s one more streaming service anyway?
Going to turn it over to you Geeklings, what movie are you more excited about? Bears on cocaine or jeans on a murder spree? Sound off in the comments below or throw me a line over on Twitter @iamgeek32. Maybe we can come up with the crossover the world needs. Bears on cocaine wearing killer pants. Now that’s a dream I can get behind!