Sexy Beasts- A Bonkers Dating Show That Could Possibly Bring About the Apocalypse

Geeklings, clear your minds. Close your eyes. Let’s go back to a simpler time. A time before the pandemic. A time where life made sense. There were no masks. There was no shortage of toilet paper. There was no constant fear of the COVID virus. No, this was a time where people intentionally socially distanced before they started dating. This was a time where a woman named Jessica fed her dog wine and kept reminding us how old a man named Mark was. This was a time where love… was blind.

No, I’m not ashamed to admit how into Love Is Blind, I was. Nor is it something I can really deny considering it’s archived here in this very site and the interwebs is nothing if not a vast pool of past embarrassments. Honestly, though, I’m not even slightly embarrassed about my Love Is Blind obsession. That shit was bonkers. You know it. I know it. The contestants know it. And now that I’ve stopped following them on Instagram, I can take a step back and really assess the addiction to what some might label as the harbinger of the pandemic.


Let’s not mince words, as enjoyable as Love Is Blind was, and yes I’m very much anticipating season two, there is little doubt that it was the first sign of the apocalypse. Look what happened after it aired. The entire world shut down. Am I naïve enough to blame Love Is Blind for the pandemic? No, I’m not. But does a part of me wonder if it opened the door to some crazy shit that we might have/kind of deserve for putting this on television? Maaaaaaaybe.

And I’m okay with it. Hell, it was kind of worth it, wasn’t it? Mud-stained wedding dresses. Drunk Jessica. That one time that GiGi chick crushed the red-haired dude because his sex game was trash. Yeaaaah, I regret nothing.

In that mold though, if Love Is Blind opened the door to world-ending events then it might be possible that Sexy Beasts kicks the damn thing open.

Oh, what’s Sexy Beasts? Please, allow me to show you…

What in the holy hell did we just watch and how soon can I plug this directly into my veins?! I’m not entirely sure who is in charge of Netflix’s dating reality department but whoever it is clearly isn’t getting paid enough money because they just keep rolling out bangers. Picture that board meeting-

Executive- How do we compete with the Bachelor?

Genius Worker- What if we put all the men on one side of the house and then all the women on the other side of the house and have them talk through walls. These will be their dates and then they’ll meet and have to decide if they should keep dating after seeing if they’re physically attracted to the person. And then we’ll see if they get married after like three months of knowing each other. We’ll call it Love Is Blind.

Executive- I love it!

Can you imagine the pressure to come up with a follow-up idea?! My god, it must have been crippling.

Executive- How do we follow up the bonkers nature of Love Is Blind?

Same Genius Worker- Well, uh, what if instead of a wall the people wore these really elaborate animal/creature masks. We’re talking dolphins, lions, devils, aliens, and any other weird crap our make-up team can come up with. They go on a bunch of dates wearing these insane masks, dates in public mind you, and at the end, after building a connection, they take off the masks to see if their attracted to each other. Think the Masked Singer but with more heartbreak.

Executive- …

Genius Work- …

Executive- …

Genius Worker- ummm, we’ll call it Sexy Beasts.

Executive- I love it!

Did you see that one part where the two creatures tried to kiss each other?! Or how about the two who were on a roller coaster?! If that’s the type of content I can expect from this gift from the gods then count me alllllllllll the way in. I don’t care if this show is calling the apocalypse directly on its burner phone. We’ve had a good run humanity. How can we be expected to follow this?! The bar has been raised ridiculously high. It’s not possible to achieve greater greatness. Shut it all down… well, after the season concludes. Then we can start over. Unless there’s a season two.

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