I’ve written over 400 columns for I Am Geek (#humblebrag) but this by far has to be my favorite headline. It’s fantastic in how absurd it is, yet, it’s a very real thing. At some point last night I went on the interwebs and checked Twitter (@iamgeek32) and saw that there was a lot of chatter about Mario from Nintendo. In fact, there was a lot of very specific chatter about Mario from Nintendo, and I couldn’t help but get swept up in the ridiculous nature of it.
For those of you who don’t know… Mario has nipples.
And for some reason, the interwebs has lost their mind over it. I’ve given it some thought though and it kind of makes sense. No, of course, it makes sense that Mario would have nipples he’s supposed to be a human. Yes, I understand that he’s not real but he’s always been advertised as a human plumber, former plumber now if you’re to believe Nintendo, and humans are mammals and mammals have nipples. It’s science people. What I mean though is, of course, the interwebs would lose their face over this… in Mario’s long history I think this is the first time we’ve actually seen him with his shirt off.
I actually gave this some thought. Not a lot of thought but enough thought that would warrant me coming here to write a brief column about a believed video game character and the fact that he now has nipples for the world to see. Even though we could argue that he’s always had nipples we’re just seeing them now, but I supposed that brings up the argument, “if we haven’t seen Mario’s nipples before now did they even exist?” To that, I say… yes? And try and move on with my life because it seems equivalent to asking “why are the stars we see dead.”
As I was saying, I gave this some thought and I came to the conclusion that this is the first time we’ve seen Mario without his shirt on which has sparked nipple gate. Listen, these are some of the ways we’ve seen Mario prior to his big topless reveal-
- Go-Kart driver
- Cape wearing Plumber
- Hammer Bro
- A boot
- Tennis player
You know what all these Mario variations have in common? They all require full clothing or costumes of some sort. No nip slip in any of those. And before you ask, no, none of the animal costumes have nipples either. This is why the idea of Mario having nipples has never been broached before. We’ve never been in a situation where we’ve had to experience them. Now he’s running on a beach with a bathing suit on and people are puzzled that their childhood video game icon now has nipples. He’s always had them folks, whether he was 8-bit or whatever the Switch graphics are now… I think people would be in a bigger up roar if he didn’t have nipples. Or maybe it would fall in line with questions like why Donald Duck or Winnie the Poo don’t wear pants.
Personally, I think I’m glad that Mario freed the nipple. Think of the door this could open to other beloved video game characters who have been hiding their digital nipples just waiting for someone to kick open the door and say, “It’s a me Mario… look at my nipples.” Always the trendsetter.
I also think that we’re missing the bigger picture here… you mean to tell me that Mario has no chest hair? Please. Mario may have nipples but he also definitely waxes his chest. Say what you will about our favorite former plumber, but he certainly is a bit vain.