I miss going to the movies. That’s it. That’s the whole concept. I know, in the grand scheme of everything that is happening in the world right now this is small potatoes. Especially when one can watch a movie from the comfort of their couch or leather lazy boy chair that causes them to sweat for no reason at all during the summer because leather seats are not ideal when the temperature is in the eighties or above. Seriously, car owners, why would you ever choose leather seats? You have to literally peel your legs off the interior when trying to get out leaving behind a layer of skin that even the best detail artist has trouble removing. Why are you so mad at yourselves? 

There’s just something special about walking into the lobby of a movie theater as you’re getting ready to see a new film and that smell of popcorn hangs in the air desperately trying to attach to your clothing so on the ride home you can reflect on how you didn’t eat enough popcorn. Don’t worry, you did but that smell always makes you nostalgic for the prior cinematic adventure. I once saw a movie in a theater that neighbored a Subway in the dead of winter. The heat was out and I froze seeing 47 Ronin or something like that and the drive home I smelt like Subway bread. It. Was. The. Worst. I’d much rather be coated with the smell of popcorn as if revisiting middle school the way I would over-enthusiastically spray myself with cologne. Eat fresh my ass. 

I miss the stress of finding seats. Especially for a big-budget film like Endgame or Infinity War. No joke, I was in those theaters probably a good hour and change before the movie started. Which of course leads to the stress-induced walk to the theater as people are milling around the hallways casually dropping spoilers like your significant other spills popcorn reaching into the bucket. Could you not, please? Did you not read the above paragraph?! I know the five-second rule should be abandoned from all theaters, as a manager I once caught a couple having sex on the floor during the final Harry Potter film and the amount of revulsion I felt can not be properly described. Ewww, you’re lying on the floor?! Ewwwww, during Harry Potter?! What. The. Eff. Is. Wrong. With. You. This is why I never eat spilled popcorn.

I miss trailers. I feel like trailers have been kind of put on pause with everything going on with COVID. It’s hard to hype everyone up for movies that may or may not be coming out. At this point, shouldn’t the streaming services just use their platforms to release films? Like, there’s no reason for Disney not to release Black Widow directly to Disney+, I mean, if that’s if you think billions of dollars acquaints to no reason. Sure, a billion dollars is awesome but can you really put a price on making your fans happy? What’s that? You can? Yup, my bad on that. I think I forgot the value of a billion dollars considering the majority of your films gross it like it’s nothing. That’s on me. At least you’re not like Christopher Nolan wanting to release Tenet into theaters despite the fact that theaters are closed for safety reasons. Except in the states that hate you but those states don’t really have new movies because everyone knows the severity of COVID. With the exception of Florida, AMC theaters, and our President. Everyone else gets it though.

But man, do I love watching trailers. If there weren’t trailers the majority of my popcorn would probably make it to the start of the actual film. This is also a problem with arriving at the theater too early to nab primo seats. You expect me to hold a tub of popcorn and have the will power not to touch it until the film starts? Who am I, Jesus? I don’t know if Jesus ever was able to experience the glory of popcorn but I would imagine he would have the patience to wait to eat it. 

I am in no way shape or form ready to go back into a movie theater. I barely like going to the food store right now. Any place where there a bunch of people who are not in my quarantine bubble seems like a terrible place to be. I went and got my hair cut and wore a mask and was in like a quasi shower curtain bubble, but that didn’t feel like enough. I would need an actual bubble. Maybe I should talk to Jake Gyllenhaal to see if he still has a bubble hook up. How many seats would that take up? Would I have to buy more tickets? If I’m in a bubble I wouldn’t mind so much sitting on the floor providing none of the nasty can infiltrate my bubble. 

As I side note, I’ve got no problem wearing a mask. In fact, sometimes I wish I could wear two, but masks get in the way of the popcorn eating experience. I know for a fact that I’m not daring enough to take my mask off to eat popcorn and what’s going to the movies without popcorn? It’s a crime is what it is. 

My sister and brother-in-law recently purchased a screen and a projector, which reminds me, I have to send them money for that. My bad. We’ve taken to watching movies outside on Saturdays. We have popcorn, not nearly enough but it’s there and my sister puts pepper on it because I like pepper on my popcorn, and we get lawn chairs and blankets and we watch a film. It really feels like being at the movies. It’s lovely. It’s cheaper, minus the money I still owe. And it’s a great way to be around the people you enjoy while still social distancing. It might be our best purchase yet and we’ll really break it in this holiday weekend when we watch Jaws. What Fourth of July is complete without at least one viewing of Jaws.

I guess this means you can take the movie experience anywhere. Drive-up. Living room. Outside. Beach. Kitchen. Hallway. Anywhere. And you can do it safely without having to wear a mask or endangering yourself or others. Maybe what I really miss is popcorn… and Marvel movies. I miss Marvel movies.