Over the years, I Am Geek has begun a long-standing tradition of finding things in pop culture that are worthy of life sacrifice. That may sound a bit dramatic but if you’ve been reading over the years then you know that we celebrate being dramatic here at I Am Geek. How else are you supposed to properly convey your emotions towards the things you love? Some say dramatic but we prefer the term passionate. It started all those years ago with Baby Groot, and not much has changed there and has continued with our guy Grogu (LBY) and things like the beards of Kurt Russell and Oscar Isaac, which has sadly been shaven as he preps to film Moon Knight. My heart has not recovered from that yet so the less we talk about that the better.
Well Geeklings, it’s about time we add another to the list. In the last week, something has entered the pop culture sphere of such massive importance, of such grand spectacular, of such cultural importance, that there is only one way to respond…
I will literally die for King Shark.
It’s that simple. King Shark is the energy we need in 2021. King Shark and his ridiculous golf shorts entered our lives during DC Fandome’s first look at James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad and then completely stole our hearts with last week’s first trailer and this week’s second, more PG, trailer. Oh, you didn’t see that yet? Well, allow me to remedy that for you.
Granted, there is not a lot of new King Shark content in this trailer. There is the amazing moment where we get to see our thicc, yes with two c’s, boy running which I just want to play on an endless gif anytime I close my eyes. And have we not all been King Shark staring at a fish tank at one point or another? Other than that, not a lot of new content but that’s okay. That first trailer delivered the goods enough for two trailers.
Now I know what some of you are thinking, “Kevin, don’t you have an irrational fear of sharks”, and the answer to that question is yes. In fact, it’s a massive Stone Cold Steve Austin “Oh hell yeah”. Sharks scare the bejesus out of me. Once I tried to learn to surf with my buddy and everything was going pretty well. I was getting used to the board learning how to navigate through waves before standing, I was feeling it. The only problem was the day was overcast, as shitty weather makes for great waves, and the water was a bit cloudy. When my buddy headed to the sand bar for better “breakage”, is that a surfing term (?), and called me over, I froze. In my head as I was getting ready to head towards wavier waters all I could picture was the dead eye of a shark just below the surface. After that, I was done like dinner. No more surfing for yours truly. Sharks terrify me which makes my undying allegiance to King Shark probably seem a bit out of character. But look at this happy idiot just chewing on a human skull.
What’s not to love?!
Now here’s the thing, I’m concerned. The tagline for this movie is “nobody’s safe” and included in that nobody would be our upside-down book reading chunky boy. In this latest trailer, we actually see him get shot (gasp) which is all types of alarming and if you look at both trailers you’ll notice his body seems to be riddled with some sort of shark equivalent of bruising… or hickeys. Honestly, it could be both considering the type of movie this is going to be and Weasel’s affinity for licking things. I’m not ready to be introduced to King Shark only to watch him get taken out by Starro, which I assume is the only character in this movie strong enough to destroy him.
Folks, we’re on the cusp of probably the greatest Sylvester Stallone character since Rocky Balboa. I said what I said. King Shark must be protected at all costs. I don’t care if the idea of a shark with legs and arms is potential nightmare fuel. I don’t care if the idea of a shark literally ripping a person in half is something that would make my nervous system shut down until I became a pile of goo. King Shark has a hand he’s very proud of and because of that, he deserves all the hugs…
… well some of them. If he says nom-nom then I’m out of there. I can celebrate him from afar too.